UNTANGLING the STRANDS of my SHAME
From Unaware & Anxious to Free
I never thought I was full of shame. I thought I was anxious. I never thought I had a shame problem, even though every therapist I ever worked with assumed this. It irked me. How dare they? Just because I've lived though a lot of awful abuse does not mean I walk around feeling shame. Or so I thought.
Turns out I wasn't able to feel those deep buckets of shame because I wasn't strong enough or tough enough or aware enough or open enough. Once I began to practice self-compassion, shame arrived. And it was actionable.
I cannot stress this enough, and it only takes a moment, a thought: hand on my heart, may I live with ease. Or hand on my heart, may I love and be loved. Or hand on my heart, may I feel joy. Or hand on my heart, may I feel whole.
I couldn't feel my shame until I could also feel my self-compassion. Is it worth it? You tell me.
Let's break this down. My hand on my heart literally puts me in touch with myself. Sometimes I can put my hand on my stomach if that's where my discomfort it, and it helps. (Yes, I have reiki, and you can get reiki too, and until then your own human hands are still well-designed to heal.) Try it. Recognizing our suffering in its moment (or later if you operate at a distance from yourself as I did for many years) and placing a hand on the site of that suffering is a powerful act.
May I ___. You fill in your blank. Be well. Be free. Feel at ease. Feel safe. Be safe. Know love. Whatever works for you. In the moment. And that's it. Yeah. Really. That's it.
Of course you can do all the other longer and more involved practices for self-compassion that are out there. But let's be real. What we need is instant relief. Something we can do without having to think. Even if it takes three days to notice we felt something (this is how I existed for a long time), it’s the moment of recognition — whenever it arrives — when we need this practice.
We especially need to create an automatic response that’s easy, because if we are suffering, we are not thinking. We are moving into (or already in) a sympathetic nervous state of activation headed toward fight or flight, and we want to break the chain of suffering.
Once I had this down as a practice, I could manage my shame. Yes! In IFS language, my Shame is a part, a young part, a baby part, an exile who is protected by my Shameless Hussy who likes to shake her tasseled tits to taunt me.
But Self, our superhero healing essence, is full of compassion. We all have this Self inside, but many of us don't have a lot of room for our Self yet, so even though Self is full of compassion, it took me a while to be able to access Self, and then eventually to live Self-led (from Self energy).
What's a while? About a month of noticing my suffering and offering compassion. Then I could begin to meet Shame's Protector's gaze with compassion.
Once I got to know my Shameless Hussy pretty well and developed a trusting relationship with her, she was able to share the exile she was protecting. Enter Shame.
Shame is a little nonbinary/trans person I've kept hidden most of my life. I have actually healed and unburdened several little Shames over the past few years. But this past week or so I've met a new Shame full of able-ist notions that have been activated as I'm been getting ready to share my new neurodivergent comedy, Winners.
I kept feeling these surges of anxiety. I kept wondering what's going on? And a little IFS session discovered Shame worried I've written a terrible play about being autistic. Shame hates the light of day. Like the Wicked Witch and water, Shame tends to dissolve under sunlight and sharing. But dissolving Shame is different from healing Shame.
My Shame might have gone undiscovered. I could have just labeled it Anxiety. But it would not have gone away. We have to be able to actually see it, get to know it, learn what it wants us to know, and then we can update it, unburden it, retrieve it, and free it forever. (That’s how IFS works.)
I love being able to heal myself and others. I love being able to use the IFS system to unburden my parts. And I think compassion as part of Self is enormously healing. But for me, I practiced and still practice compassion on its own because it helps me so much. Now I feel it as a part of how I access my Self energy. But back before I could recognize Self, learning how to offer myself compassion was a big first step toward healing.
all art in this post by Scott Sherman at ScottShermanStudio on instagram
Writing Prompt:
This prompt is from 2 weeks ago in Brave Space. Apologies to those of you who have already seen it, but it got so many positive responses, I want to share it with the rest of you who haven’t yet made it to Brave Space. And for those who are Brave Space Curious, this is just one in a prompt packet that I hand out when you come to Brave Space.
PROTAGONIST - Who is yours? What do they want, and what do they need? Oedipus is the King of Thebes. He wants to save his people from the plague. He needs to recognize his origins and the truths of his life. You may not even know the whole story that you’re writing at this point, certainly your protagonist doesn't know.
The antagonist is full of all the qualities missing from the protagonist's life. How can your antagonist embody the missing qualities (or shadow side) of your protagonist? There is no wrong answer -- what your mind decides is the answer is the answer! Try it!
When you have a kernel of something to play with, don't stop there - PLAY! Freewrite until you have a lot of words and see if any surprises come up in the free-writing! Push yourself - you will not pull a muscle or sprain an ankle! (I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice.)
Make a LIST of things the protagonist might do in order to save Thebes/get what they want. Oedipus begins with inquiry and research. What does your protagonist do? Then put the list in order of difficulty. What is the hardest most difficult riskiest choice?
Can you embody the thing that they want in an actual object - a map, a treasure, a love interest, a reward, a home, a something? Freewrite everything you can know about that object and objects like that object? What is already known and understood by that object? What can you make that object mean to that protagonist?
Let me know how it goes!
Announcements:
Deadline May 31st! Submit a Jewish 10 minute play to Jewish Plays Project
Deadline June 14th! Submit a Jewish full length play to Jewish Plays Project
GET YOUR TICKETS my newest play, WINNERS, will be presented as a staged reading with a stellar cast directed by Kate Trammell at The Tank NYC as part of PRIDEFEST 2024 on Tuesday, June 25th at 7pm ET.
WINNERS will be read (cold) in-house at New Circle Theatre Company, on Monday, May 13th at 7pm (doors open at 630pm). If you want to come as my guest, I need to let you in (it’s private). So let me know if you want to come. Very limited seating.
Deadline July 3rd, Experiments in Opera is looking for writers! More Here
Also in NYC, Scott Sickles’ new play Marianas Trench directed by Janet Bentley runs 4/27 - 5/11. Tickets here!
The fantastically talented Carole Forman is appearing in Bring Them Back at Theatre for the New City, a meta dark comedy running 5/9 - 5/19. Go see it!
Epic Theatre Company will present Spring Awakening at ART/NY in a neuro-inclusive production this May 9-19th.
If you’re in St. Louis, MO, my play “Neighbors by the Sea” will be seen alongside work by the very talented Joan Lipkin in Social Justice Shorts produced by Bread and Roses and A Call to Conscience, May 17-19th at the Greenfinch Theatre.
If you’re in Asheville, NC, my short piece, “Different.” will be performed in the Different Strokes Performing Arts Festival, June 20-23rd.
Brave Space Schedule:
This week 5/13 - 17/24 Tuesday 12pm ET Brave Space w/wkshp Thursday 11am ET Brave Space Wednesday 3pm ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching Thursday 7pm ET Brave Space for All Humans Friday 12pm ET Brave Space Saturday 4pm ET Brave Group Coaching For the week of 5/20-24/24 Monday 12pm ET Brave Space Tuesday 12pm ET w/wkshop Wednesday 3pm ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching Thursday 11am ET Brave Space Thursday 7pm ET Brave Space for All Humans Friday 12pm ET Brave Space For the week of 5/27-31/24 Monday 12pm ET Brave Space Tuesday 12pm ET w/wkshop Wednesday 3pm ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching Wednesday 7pm ET Brave Space for All Humans Thursday 11am ET Brave Space Friday 12pm ET Brave Space Friday 3pm ET Brave Sharing Salon
Join me in Brave Space. Show up for yourself!
I've been wrestling with shame a lot lately. Sometimes it's so heavy.
"Shame tends to dissolve under sunlight". Wow, is that true. It is 3am when shame wants to party and it's easy to forget during the light of day that shame waits under the front porch.