Unchain My Heart
support for our hurt places
I believe my heart broke young. I've carried it swathed in its bloody bandages for the longest time. I’ve tried to pretend I wasn't interested in love. But the heart wants what the heart wants. It has so many receptors for joy and shrinks with neglect.
Brave Space Schedule:
Brave Sched for 1/29 - 2/2/24 Monday 12pm ET Tuesday 12pm ET w/Poetry Workshop Friday 12pm ET Brave Sched for 2/5 - 2/9/24 Monday 12pm ET Tuesday 12pm ET w/Poetry Workshop Thursday 12pm ET Friday 12pm ET Brave Sched for 2/12 - 2/16/24 Monday 11am ET Thursday 11am ET Friday 12pm ET
I could not help but fall in love many times. I was cursed and crushed with love as a child and into my teens. Before my 20s, the falling felt too big to contain, so I sent my heart to a frozen gulag to shovel coal for a dark winter. I slept (and slept around) a lot and disdained anything to do with love.
Then (at 34) a heron woke me up to the idea that I might belong (to someone, in a family, see this post for more). But the work of un-interring a buried heart takes time. I was lucky to find someone willing to wait while I dug it out.
Having a child washes the heart in new joy. Seeing the world again from a child's eyes healed me. My son also gave me a new respect for my own mortality which I became acutely aware of as soon as I became responsible for him.
With that, my research began. How to stay alive? How could I live longer than my own mother had lived for me? Now that he's 21, can I rest easy? I made it 2 years past my own 19 year old loss of my mother. But it will never be enough. I want to see him graduate, fall in love, partner before I go… Is that so much to ask? So I work hard to keep myself alive. I thought I was doing a good job, but my first cardiologist laughed at my efforts.
I thought the two long, hilly, forested walks I take daily with my dog counted. The doctor said only 30 minutes of serious cardio counts. Every day. What I call soaking-wet-with-sweat cardio. It has taken me 9 months to increase my ability to do cardio from 8 minutes to 30. I hit 30 minutes for the first time (running on a treadmill) on Sunday, December 31st. I have only missed 2 days since then (due to medical testing).
When my knees hurt, I bike instead. The next doctor said, that’s not good enough either. You have to do high intensity interval training (HIIT). So now I run 4 miles/hour for 90 seconds and then 6 miles/hour for 20-30 seconds for 30 minutes. That means more than 2 miles now every freaking day, or I bike (easier on the knees) more than 6 miles in 30 minutes. It's not fun. But I’ve figured out how to listen to books on my phone. I can do almost anything if I think I’m learning something at the same time. I use the Chirp app because it’s cheap.
In addition to all of this activity, I’ve been talking with my heart. And my heart is starting to learn to trust me. Many years ago, I had a procedure prior to a fibroidectomy where in stirrups on a table they let me see my reproductive system on screens above my head. The doctor pointed out how my right ovary was all curled up (not functional, she said). In the 3 weeks before the fibroidectomy, I talked with my right ovary daily. After learning all about its fears, I let it know it was safe now, that nothing could harm it. After the procedure, the doctor said, she must have been wrong about my ovary, because “it’s fine now, completely unfurled!” So I do believe that talking helps. Listening helps. Supporting our hurt places helps. Writing poetry, essays, memoirs, and fiction (or painting or dancing, etc.) helps!
Writing Prompt:
Your Organ(ic) Knowledge: which organs have stories to tell you? Give yourself a chance to sit down with your womb, your heart, your tummy… and listen to what it’s held onto all this time. Let it know who you are. Let it know your age and the fact that you’ve survived all it’s been through. Let it know how grateful you are that it helps you manage. And ask it what it needs in terms of support. Let it tell its whole story. If it needs to learn to trust you again, work on that. Check in daily with it. Let it know you see it/feel it/want to get to know it. And once it shares, whatever it shares, assure it that you understand. Really take in the sensory details of what it lived through. Offer it compassion and love or lovingkindness. Write out these stories or dance them or paint them and show your organs how you truly understand and feel for them. See if this helps them by checking in with them more regularly. Let me know how it goes!
Come to Brave Space to do the creative work you’ve been longing to do. Create a creative practice in community!
Announcements!
https://www.chaintheatre.org/winter-one-act-festival-2024
Work by Jessica Carmona, Helene Galek, Riley Elton McCarthy, Serena Norr, Duncan Pflaster, Jonathan Ward and many more!
Corie Feiner is offering a free sample & Q&A of her Bodylove Poetry Writing Workshop via Zoom this coming Sunday, January 28th at 10 am EST. Topic: approaching our bellies with humor and love. MORE INFO https://www.coriefeiner.com/bodylove
This coming Valentine's Day GRIFFIN STANTON-AMIESON will perform his one man theatrical experience FREE SPACE. About the show:
Griffin's hosting a game night. Of sorts. The audience will play Bingo, drinks will flow, and stories will be told. No show is ever the same, as the audience chooses the adventure. And instead of numbers on the game cards, there are quotes ("and then Nana said 'fuck you'"), actions ("We Chug a Beer"), and stories ("The Last Wawa Run"). Someone's gonna win Bingo (maybe? If Griffin doesn't fuck it up). As the audience chooses what they do, what Griffin does, and what stories he tells, they're just trying to get 5 squares in a row. Or get to know what they want to know from Griffin. Or just make him drink. Who knows? YOU choose.
Details: https://www.tickettailor.com/events/gsaboxoffice/1129745
wednesday 2/14 at a Bushwick apartment
show at 7pm, short acoustic set by Joy and the Wildfire
$25 ticket gets you the show and drinks
Here’s a photo of Sheila’s dog, Dromio, winking!
Send me your pet pics, and I will post them!
Onward,
Emma
I so relate and appreciate the story. My heart cracked open when my son Dashiell was born. "Oh" I thought to myself, "THIS is love." And from there I began to love in a way that wasn't accessible to me before. What a gift