Learning to Belong

how parts work (IFS) and a heron changed my life

This happened at the end of 15 years of serious depression/suicidal ideation. It became the beginning of a brand new relationship to myself. All from one night's wading out into a swamp. I quit smoking. I decided I could be part of a family (when previously family was a dirty word in my mouth). A core belief about myself cracked and the light just kept pouring in...

The schedule 12/4-8/23 in Brave Space (4 sessions): 

Monday at 12pm ET
Tuesday at 10am ET and All Human Brave Space at 7pm ET
Friday at 12pm ET

On Wholeness -

One of the first and largest steps I ever took to belong in the world happened unexpectedly while I was at a play development workshop in Florida. I happened to see a bird -- a yellow crowned night heron -- fly into the telephone wires over a swamp and go down screaming. This was way back when I was a shaved-head, heavy smoker lesbian with a rough leather jacket and brand new Steve Madden boots from his brand new store on Lower Broadway. I ruined those boots to save that bird. I got animal rescue to give the bird a better death; not eaten alive in the swamp. And it changed the way I saw myself. Suddenly I saw myself as good. I had not realized I had thought of myself as bad, but in seeing myself as good, I realized that I might belong in the world. 

Photo by Paul Crook on Unsplash

I shifted. I think about this a lot. (Maybe I've told you this story before.) But each time it reveals more information to me. I think about how easily we can sometimes shift from mood to mood depending on who's in the room or what's in that text... But most of us tend to think exactly the opposite: I'll never change... it's no use... why bother? 

This is one of the fears that many Protector Parts have in our systems. They have been tasked to protect an Exile (a little Emma who is so full of shame or trauma they have to stay locked away in the dark). Since no one can ever change what happened, little Emma will be stuck there forever... Not true. Events in the past don't need to change for us to heal from the traumas or core beliefs they may have created. 

Everything that happened to me (that caused my depression, my suicidal ideation, my core belief that I was bad) still happened to me. No one can change the past. But we can change our relationship to it. We can change what we believe about ourselves. We can witness our pain and suffering and unburden our parts (Protector Parts, Firefighters and Exiles) and gain new capacities, new abilities to exist as our true Self with compassion, confidence, courage, calm, curiosity, connectedness, clarity and creativity! 

I’ve been experiencing the benefits of Parts Work for several years now and witnessing these shifts in my clients, and if you are suffering with stuckness of any kind, you might want to check out the IFS Institute, Richard Schwartz, and how parts work works. 

I started seeing psychotherapists at age 8, and no one could figure me out. Docs actually said stuff like, if you don’t respond to the drug, then we’ll find a different diagnosis. Let’s just give it a try!

I have never experienced the healing I’ve been able to achieve in the past few years until I found IFS (Internal Family Systems). I wouldn't be studying it and using it as a coach if it didn't change my life as profoundly as that bird did back in the 90s. 

If you are having trouble with a history of trauma or dysregulation, check out IFS. You don't have to leave your therapist. I have clients whose therapists are thankful for my help. Here's the thing: IFS is work done mostly within one's self. No one needs to share what they are learning from their parts. The coach is there as a guide. It's not about transference. I am not a therapist. This is a client-led modality done at each person's own pace. It's about creating more trust within yourself for yourself. It's about learning to belong. 

Writing Prompt

Belonging: To what do you (or your characters) belong? And how do you or your characters belong there? Identify a gesture, a sound, a scent. Name a welcoming or a turning away -- what, where and how? Provide at least two examples, and if you're writing belonging into a scene, allow for some repetition and some change. What changes? What remains the same? Consider yourself (or your characters) a tree or a blade of grass or something else in nature, like the cicada lifting its eyes right up and out of its shell, rebirthing itself . 

How does nature throw you or grow you? (or your characters) How does the nature you or your characters are living through lately stretch you or force you to pay attention in new ways? What happens to nature? to you? (or your characters) If you or your characters do indeed feel a sense of belonging how does it affect the nature of greeting? How can we greet the world from a place of belonging? How do we recognize each other from a place of belonging? 

Announcements

2024 Winter Playwrights Workshop openings! There's been some shifting around, so I have 1 spot available on Wednesdays from 6-9pm ET and 2 spots available for the Thursday section from 6-9pm ET, both on Zoom. Begins January 3rd and 4th respectively. If you have a full-length play or you're writing one and want to hear it with feedback in a supportive group that focuses on craft, my workshops are limited to 6 participants. 10 weeks, $500. MORE INFO HERE

Affordable Brave Group Coaching for Everyone! If you've been interested in discovering more about your nervous system and how to better regulate it, if you want to get to know and work with your parts, (inner critics, perfectionists...) then this is perfect for you! I have a few spots left Tuesdays starting January 9th from 7-830pm for 6 weeks. $120 discounted rate paid in full in advance (partially refundable). Or you can reserve your spot for $50 (nonrefundable) and then pay either $100 to start or $25/weekly. MORE INFO HERE

Abingdon Theatre’s world premiere of Elizabeth Coplan's new play Til Death opened tonight on Theater Row (NYC) and you can get tickets/more info HERE

Playwright Opportunities:

(NYC peeps) Terrence McNally Incubator Application

(to be self-produced in NYC) OOB Festival

Thank you for reading!

Onward,

Emma