TRUST in a World of Lies
why Plato wanted to kill the poets
I was raised to distrust my own experience, actual lived and felt experience that my body still remembers. I was conditioned (raised but never razed) to believe in truths that are absolutely false. For instance, both my parents insisted that my body was made to please others. And I was expected to want to do this, to smile and dress accordingly. (Content warning: this essay briefly mentions suicidal ideation and incest.)
My mother bought me fuck-me pumps - actual 4 inch stilettos - years before I had a driver’s license. She sent me to modeling school to learn how to walk in them.
Autistic, I took all of this very literally and tried to do what I was told. I believed I was wrong about not wanting to live my destiny as a female-born person. I was gaslit and learned to distrust my own truth that I am not female; that even if I was female, that shouldn’t mean I have to please others; that I am not interested in living my life to please others; that I am not available to be touched; that actual sexual experiences do not bring me anything but discomfort, anxiety and often heightened experiences of dread, disgust, hatred and suicidal ideation.
To heal, I had to rediscover my own truths and trust myself. This was a slow process, but writing helped enormously. Writing (and I believe almost any creative endeavor) is a safe and harmless way to learn to trust oneself. Why? Because you don’t have to show it to anyone. For years I didn’t even show it to myself!
Okay, I know that’s weird, but it’s real. I wrote tons of poems and even several plays about incest before I was able to actually read them as if they were my own experience. Of course I thought I was making it up - that is what trauma and gaslighting does to a person. This is also how the human mind functions in many ways as a labyrinth.
For example, Carl Phillips’ first book of poetry was blurbed as a homosexual coming out before he was fully aware of his homosexuality. He has spoken about being surprised by the blurb. I think he was in a heterosexual marriage at the time.
I mention this because this is why, I think, we fear letting ourselves truly write the impulses as they arise. This is why we don’t trust ourselves. We don’t know ourselves well enough yet.
Catch-22: how can we trust ourselves if we don’t truly know ourselves? And perhaps how can we trust ourselves once we do know ourselves?
Writing (and other art forms) hold answers if we want them. I believe that is why I am drawn to writing. Even as a child I wanted to learn how to tell stories. I wanted everyone to tell stories. And I wanted to be interviewed. I thought if someone could just ask me the right question, I would have an answer that could unlock everything I felt was within me yet locked away. I wanted access, and I intuited that I could find it within by writing.
I believe we are like faucets, capable of turning on and off. When I “turn myself on,” pun intended — it is often a full-body, sensual process — I can surprise myself and make discoveries. I believe it can be done at will, but many people think one must be inspired. Either way, I think it’s clear when we’re writing from a turned-on place. This is why we do an embodiment exercise to begin Brave Space each session. To ground ourselves in the body. To be able to reach the sensory world. Because writing reaches readers and audiences through sensory stimulation.
Plato wanted to kill the poets because we have access to our authentic selves. We are not fooled by disinformation. We trust our impulses. We know more than the state wants us to know. And that makes us dangerous. Trust is power. Practice it and you will be able to stand longer and stronger in your own truths, your own Self.
Writing Prompt:
Last week's prompt was also about learning to trust ourselves in 5 minute intervals. Here is Part 2: trust with sensory responses. I typically do Part 1 (from last week) early on in the day. Part 2 is for processing the day that has passed, and I tend to do this in the evening. As always, make it your own.
Write down a list of images from the day. You can include an image from your imagination if you want. I tend to stick to what happened and the images I noticed. I am not a birder, but I tend to notice birds. I am more a tree-r than a birder, and I notice trees. I tend to notice weather. I notice people doing things. I also notice stuff that bugs me. And bugs. And clouds and sky.
Write a list of sounds you heard from the day. I typically wake to bird song, so I usually include that and move on from there. I like to enumerate kinds of silences, so feel free to include silences in your list of sounds.
Write a list of smells, tastes and feels from the day. With feels, I include discomfort and physical bodily pain since that’s been a part of my experience for a long time, and I also include the absence of discomfort and pain because that’s a new thing for me, and it’s a sensory thing. I have noticed how physical sensations are often emotions I could not name until I tracked them as physical sensations. (This is called alexithymia if you need a label for it.)
With three or more columns of lists that are all sensory, I’ll pick a few and turn them into something. A paragraph of a flash fiction or cnf or a poem. You do you. You can give a few senses to a character to start a story or a monologue - these are leaping off places. Or you can free write about your day from these with a better sense of how you are experiencing your life. It can lead to a different, new kind of knowing. Try it!
artwork by Scott Sherman at ScottShermanStudio on instagram
Amazing People Doing Amazing Things:
10/14 Indigenous People’s Day Celebration of DIEZtination! A day-long (or half day, you choose) event of StoryTelling and immersive workshopping by and for the Latiné Community.
10/17 & 10/18 Lauren Holmes’ winning new play, ZEUS 4 will be read at LaGuardia Performing Arts Center, NYC directed by Aneesha Kudtarkar. Tickets here.
I highly recommend Julia Barclay-Morton’s new Online Writing Workshop An Invitation to Intuitive Processing, starting 10/22 Thursdays, 7pm - 9pm ET. More Info Here
An article “Experimental Music and Playwriting” by Sheila Duane was recently published in Waxing and Waning.
A poem of mine, “Barbie Reports from the DreamHouse” (content warning) was recently published in tinderbox poetry. Also I should have a piece dropping today in Strange Horizons but I haven’t actually found it there yet.
Urban Stages presents People of the Book by Yussef El-Guindi 10/4 - 11/3.
Donna Minkowitz will read from her new book, DONNAVILLE, at the Bureau of General Studies – Queer Division on Thursday, 10/17 at 7 PM! 208 W. 13th St. NYC.
Beth Lincks’s play Blood of the Lamb runs at 59E59 thru - 10/20, NYC.
Voices from the Holy Land offers films and conversations to inform people about what’s actually happening in the Occupied Lands of Palestine. Their Online Film Salon happens on October 20th 3pm ET.
Cristina Rose Ashby conceived of and directs Poe's Children with original music by Thomas Burns Scully, a devised exploration of grief and poetry. 10/22, 23 & 27 NYC
Deadlines:
BAPF will accept 600 applications (they are over 450 right now) so submit!
Due by October 15th, Great Plains Theatre Commons has a fabulous festival every year that I highly recommend! Send them a play!
Due by October 15th, The Arctic Circle For International Artists of all Disciplines collectively explore the high-Arctic Svalbard Archipelago and Arctic Ocean aboard a specially outfitted expedition vessel. The Arctic Circle program supports the creation and exhibition of new and pioneering work, and aims to empower the creative individual while fostering the collaborative.
Jenna Lourenco is looking for Autistic Theatre People for a study Examining Environmental & Cultural Challenges to Autistic Accessibility in Theatre Workspaces" through the end of October 2024 at this link!
Due by October 31st Edward F. Albee Foundation Residency 2025 now completely ADA accessible is open to all creative people (writers and visual artists of all media) at this link!
Due by November 1st, Premiere Stages at Kean Festival send them your work!
The Playwrights Center in Minneapolis offers the following programs to apply to:
-Core Writer Program - open to any committed professional playwright, deadline in January 2025
-Jerome Fellowship - for any early career playwright interested in spending two years in Minnesota, deadline in November 2024
-Many Voices Fellowship - for any early career BIPOC playwright interested in spending two years in Minnesota, deadline in December 2024
-McKnight National Residency and Commission - open to established playwrights outside of Minnesota, deadline in December 2024
-McKnight Fellowship in Playwriting - open to mid-career Minnesota-based playwrights, deadline in January 2025
-Many Voices Mentorship - open to beginning BIPOC playwrights based in Minnesota, deadline in December 2024
-Core Apprentice - open to playwrights in or recently graduated from undergrad and graduate programs, deadline in February 2025.
Brave Space Schedule:
10/13 Sunday 6pm ET All Human Brave Space
Sunday 730pm ET All Human Brave Sharing Salon
10/14 Monday 12pm ET Brave Space
10/15 Tuesday 12pm ET Brave Space w/wkshp
Tuesday 7pm ET Brave Group Coaching 6/6
10/16 Wednesday 12pm ET Brave Space
10/17 Thursday 11am ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching
10/18 Friday 12pm ET Brave Space
10/20 - 10/25 I will be out of town for a coaching training with IACT at AANE.org
10/27 Sunday 6pm ET Brave Space for All Humans
10/28 Monday 12pm ET Brave Space
10/29 Tuesday 12pm ET Brave Space w/wkshp
10/30 Wednesday 12pm ET Brave Space
10/31 Thursday 11am ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching
11/01 Friday 12pm ET Brave Space
Friday 3pm ET Brave Sharing Salon
11/03 Sunday 6pm ET All Human Brave Space
11/04 Monday 12pm ET Brave Space
11/05 Tuesday 12pm ET Brave Space w/wkshp
11/06 Wednesday 12pm ET Brave Space
11/07 Thursday 11am ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching
11/08 Friday 12pm ET Brave Space
11/09 Sunday 6pm ET All Human Brave Space
Sunday 730pm ET All Human Brave Sharing Salon
Each week Tuesdays includes fast feedback for up to 1 page (@250 words) of writing or you can bring in a craft issue/ask for help with your project.
Each month there are 2 Sharing Salons: Second Sundays (730pm ET) and Final Fridays (3pm ET) for sharing up to 10 minutes of work (up to 1500 words).
Your honesty is a gift, a brave gift, and I hope it helps even just one person to feel seen.
Thank you!