Pretending to be Normal

Undoing My Ableism

In Acting School, I learned that if we’re supposed to show up drunk onstage, we don’t play drunk; we play “trying to pass as sober.” As an autistic person with adhd, I spent over half a century trying to pass as neurotypical. As a person with anxiety, I spend a lot of time trying to pass as calm. And guess what? The less I try to pass, the more calm I actually am.

I faced disciplinary action at college when — due to strong migraine medication — I slept through a fire alarm in my dorm and had to move off-campus.

When I was found on the floor of my grad school bathroom, suffering from endometriosis and fibroids, a caring person offered to call an ambulance. I leaped to my feet to assure her it was nothing. She didn’t believe me (cut to blood on the tiles), but I assured her it was merely an accident. I was fine! I was cleaning it up!

Masking is a giant energy-suck. And yet I used to prefer it over admitting I needed help. I didn’t really know that I could ask for help. So I’ve been working on asking and unmasking.

I am full of internalized ableism. I have many parts that want me to suck it up and do more, try harder, smile through pain, take on more and mask. Over-scheduling (my go-to strategy for seeming normal) is a form of masking! I didn’t know that til last week!

Some people prefer me pretending I’m fine. Just the other day, I saw something different in a loved one’s zoom background that I couldn’t stop seeing. Nothing strange, but I had to ask about it. Small changes disturb me. So I stopped the conversation and said, “I really want to hear what you have to say, but I have to ask about what changed in the background. Because I’m neurodivergent.”

They replied, “you could just say you’re curious.” I’m sure they were just trying to be helpful. But they meant, you don’t have to remind me you’re disabled. You can just pretend. Say something else. Make up a reason. Lie. Don’t make me see your reality.

I don’t have the energy to do that. And even if I did, why should I hide? As if merely pointing out my difference is a problem.

So I said, “that’s hurtful. That denies my existence as an autistic person. I can’t just say I’m curious. I’m not curious. I wish I didn’t have to ask you, but I can’t listen well without knowing what that is back there.”

Maybe we’re all conditioned (are we?) to minimize the problem. Remember, “don’t say gay!” Don’t admit you have an invisible disability — let it stay invisible! Who needs to know? Well, yes, if your boss is in the room, mask. But this was a private conversation with someone close to me who already knows I’m autistic.

I saw how hard it is for so many of us to face it. Especially in those we love. Ableism is insidious and harmful. I’m not upset with them. I’m sad. I know this is the sort of thing that will only shift in small increments, and I’m grateful for the micro-aggressions (like, just say you’re curious) that I can catch and point out. Not to shame anyone, but to say, we all do this, and we all need to stop.

The worst part is that we do it to ourselves internally. We may all have critical parts or perfectionist parts that insist on wildly high standards. These parts often keep us from starting the projects we dream of doing. These parts make it hard to finish when we can’t manage their difficult voices.

The reality is that most of us, before we die, will become disabled in one way or another. But for reasons I don’t fully understand yet, this doesn’t help democratize disability; it seems to push us further toward denial and fear.

After giving birth I was sent home from the hospital with a walker because I could no longer lift my foot. Not uncommon! my doctor assured me, even though I’d lost all feeling in my leg. My nerve damage from the epidural lasted for 3 of the most intense months of my life as a brand new mother without much support in the dead of winter. My anxiety wasn’t just about how I’d raise my son, but how I could keep myself from becoming a burden. What was normal? And how could I seem that way?

It turns out that the word normal comes from the Latin normalis meaning square from the idea of the right angle. It’s a mathematical construct. Normal went from meaning perpendicular in 1727 to meaning heterosexual in 1914. And now it’s just the word we berate ourselves with, as in, is this a normal way to be, a normal behavior/concern/belief/idea/response/diet/outfit/relationship/choice/vibe/etc?

To undo ableism, (and perfectionism, which I identified early in life and have been working on for years by doing imperfect things on purpose), I suggest the following prompt... 

The Prompt (Don’t Forget to Vote!):

Sit comfortably and ground yourself (feel your feet, your sitz-bones on your seat, extend your out-breath…) Notice your internal experience for a while. Let yourself settle. This part of this prompt is the work of Lara Baden-Semper. Consider, and note your responses to, the following phrases:

Normal is better than abnormal. 
Each of us were meant to have a whole, unmarred, perfect body.
Some bodies/modes of being are preferable than others: 
          hearing/speaking is better than deafness/signing
          bipeds walking is better than paraplegics wheeling
          sighted bodies are better than blind bodies
The worth of a body is measured by its capacity for work. 
Dependence is inferior to independence. 
Only some bodies require help, and those bodies are a burden. 
It’s only practical to shape the world with the majority in mind, 
          and there is such as a thing as a majority. 
Disability is only a deficit; the world would be a better place 
           if we could eliminate it entirely.

Write out your responses to the phrases that you and/or your parts connected to or rejected in the strongest way. Jot down any memories associated with any of this. These notes are ways for you to easily remind yourself of the story, like “the day Mom fainted,” or “when B got sick at the wedding.”

Now transfer some of this experience to your characters, or create new characters who hold these experiences you’ve lived or witnessed. Let them have the felt sense of your responses in their bodies. Create a short story or a flash fiction (or cnf) or a poem, play or a film that unpacks a micro-aggression or a moment of internal or external ableism.

If you are struggling with Inner Critics, masking, perfectionism or not being able to get your project started, please reach out! I coach. I can help in very concrete ways.

When you bring your true concerns from your own life, things you feel are meaningful and real, and you mix them into whatever you are creating, you will feel more connected to the work you are doing, and you will be moving the culture forward. We have not heard enough from people who are having a different experience than what we’re taught from the Western canon. We need your voice!

Amazing People Doing Amazing Things:

Thru 11/3: Urban Stages presents People of the Book by Yussef El-Guindi. Go - it’s gorgeous work! Save $15 off tickets with discount code: PEOPLE.

12/4 - 12/29 Get your tickets to the world premiere of the beautiful land i seek (la linda tierra que busco yo) by Matt Barbot produced by Fault Line Theatre with Pregones/Puerto Rican Traveling Theater and Latinx Playwrights Circle. Use the discount code FLT10 to purchase any ticket at a 10% discount. It’s funny, it’s theatrical, it’s philosophical, it’s political and truly remarkable. I love this play! Go! (I’ll be there 12/5 - sit with me!)

Two poems published this week: My Heart Broke in Childhood, But My Child Changed All That in Discretionary Love, and The Narrow Place in Wild Greens (scroll down for the poem).

Opportunities!

Due 11/11 - 11/18 Ojai Playwrights Conference will be accepting applications for their summer festival!

Due 12/15/24 The Orchard Project is accepting submissions for:

• The Orchard Project Performance Lab (link), for development of work intended to be performed in front of a live or virtual audience.

• The Orchard Project Greenhouse Program (link), for collaborators generating new works and collaborations in a multitude of forms;

• The Orchard Project Episodic Lab (link), for writers working on the advancement of original TV scripts;

• The Orchard Project Audio Lab (link), for early development of scripts and ideas in the audio storytelling form.

Due 12/17/24 NYFA grant deadline for Playwriting/Screenwriting, Photography, Choreography and other disciplines for New York creatives.

The Playwrights Center in Minneapolis offers the following programs to apply to:

-Core Writer Program - open to any committed professional playwright, deadline in January 2025

-Jerome Fellowship - for any early career playwright interested in spending two years in Minnesota, deadline in November 2024

-Many Voices Fellowship - for any early career BIPOC playwright interested in spending two years in Minnesota, deadline in December 2024

-McKnight National Residency and Commission - open to established playwrights outside of Minnesota, deadline in December 2024

-McKnight Fellowship in Playwriting - open to mid-career Minnesota-based playwrights, deadline in January 2025

-Many Voices Mentorship - open to beginning BIPOC playwrights based in Minnesota, deadline in December 2024

-Core Apprentice - open to playwrights in or recently graduated from undergrad and graduate programs, deadline in February 2025.

Brave Space Schedule:

11/03 Sunday 6pm ET All Human Brave Space
11/04 Monday 12pm ET Brave Space
11/05 Tuesday 12pm ET Brave Space w/wkshp
           Tuesday 7pm ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching
11/06 Wednesday No Brave Space (my apologies)
11/07 Thursday 10am ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching
           Thursday 12pm ET Brave Space
11/08  Friday 12pm ET Brave Space

11/10 Sunday 6pm ET All Human Brave Space
           Sunday 730pm ET All Human Brave Sharing Salon
11/11 Monday 12pm ET Brave Space
11/12 Tuesday 12pm ET Brave Space w/wkshp
           Tuesday 7pm ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching
11/13 Wednesday No Brave Space (again, apologies, but it will come back!) 
11/14 Thursday 10am ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching
           Thursday 12pm ET Brave Space 
11/15 Friday 12pm ET Brave Space

11/17 Sunday 6pm ET All Human Brave Space
11/18 Monday 12pm ET Brave Space
11/19 Tuesday 12pm ET Brave Space w/wkshp
           Tuesday 7pm ET Advanced Brave Group Coaching
11/20 Wednesday NO Brave Space due to JURY DUTY
11/21 Thursday NO Coaching due to potential JURY DUTY
11/22 Friday 12pm ET ?Brave Space (potentially JURY DUTY)
           Friday 3pm ET ?Brave Sharing Salon (potentially JURY DUTY)

11/24 Sunday 6pm ET All Human Brave Space
11/25 Monday 12pm ET Brave Space
11/26 Tuesday 12pm ET Brave Space w/wkshp
11/27 - 12/1 Thanksgiving Holidays Wednesday - Sunday

Each week Tuesdays includes fast feedback for up to 1 page (@250 words) of writing or you can bring in a craft issue/ask for help with your project. 

Each month there are 2 Sharing Salons: Second Sundays (730pm ET) and Final Fridays (3pm ET) for sharing up to 10 minutes of work (up to 1500 words).

Liking this post & sharing it (or re-stacking) helps me reach more readers. While I’m committed to publishing for everyone, I appreciate financial support of my work! Thank you for reading, liking, sharing, subscribing & commenting! 
See you soon in Brave Space! <3